iamihobo

 

today has been rather easy.
work was simple cause it was movie day, so all the kids were really well behaved. I was super proud of Dallas today cause he was an angel (which never happens, most of the time he's like bouncing off the walls, arguing with kids, throwing balls at kids, getting kids in headlocks, and yelling.) The kids watched Toy Story and then some of them who were there later stayed and watched Toy Story 2. Most of the girls sat and colored. I french braided Hannah's hair and Alyssa was super whinny today cause she was so hungry and wanted her way. Madison kept saying her throat hurt a lot, which I can't do anything bout cause I don't have the authority to give her any medication what so ever. Sucks. But they seemed pretty happy to see me after i'd been gone for two days. Too many guys and not enough girl for the little ones. Sometimes i think i'm that small "mom" symbol so they dont feel so awful.

but today was good.
oh cept for not being able to get my wma filed music from my external hard drive to my mac. :/ that was kinda depressing. i'm trying to get the files to be converted to acc or something mp3 is what everything else is but if i can't get that to work i'm gonna have to burn all 4,000 songs and then put them on the mac. pretty lame and frustrating but hey. i've got my mac. i'm good.

i guess. 

because i figured my mother wouldn't want my out all night.
only to have her nag that my car wasnt washed
(danielle tagged it before she left for Tech)
and that she didn't want it happening again.
oh and she left with dad
so when i try to come home to spend time with them, 
they leave
when i don't come home and i'm "never" around to spend time with
they complain.








sometimes there's just no winning. 

 

on a different note
i'm really in the mood to paint/draw/sketch
so i'm listening to
death cab
and
oceans above
hoping to mellow out some. so i guess its nice to have the house quiet and to myself.
inspiritaion



"pulse" - casey jex smith

so.
the hard drive in my computer
the hard drive in my computer that has all my pictures
the hard drive in my computer that has all my pictures from when i went to any photoshoot 
the hard drive in my computer that has all my pictures from when i went to any photoshoot of my life, espically chicago




the hard drive in my computer that has all my pictures from when i went to any photoshoot of my life, espically chicago 
just died.

  

i do love this man
: ] 
he is someone that helps me attach myself to the creativity in my heart
and i believe that in a strange odd different way, i do the same for him
with his music
the lyrics that he doesn't always work on, or the words he doesn't always sing on key
we share apart of our souls
that we won't
with anyone
else

  
ode to chicago
i miss the city already. i can't wait to get back there and feel comfortable again. its like there's so much stress here in texas. or maybe its not the state i'm in but the situations that my life is constructed out of. we spoke again. for the first time in a long time. for almost hours hours into the night and then i was stupid and fell aslep. the one moment i probably should have gotten out of bed to sit up and text but it was 3 in the morning and i had work the next day and i just ... it just happened. i just fell asleep and i regret it so much cause i should have hung on just a little bit more.

then again

how do i show i care but how much i've been hurt at the same time? how do i say "i love you completely" but that small little whisper of "i dont trust you" and no matter how hard i try
you wont love me.
not too big of an issue.
just personal choice i guess.


but its still hard.
espically when you call and say you miss me
still love me
and need me.
  

i have become so aware how much i feel like i would love some change in my life and that i would LOVE to get out of here.
i have been spending my time in chicago right now..for the past week? or so checking out columbia college chicago which is driving me insane that i didn't get applied and all that stuff before cause i would LOVE to be there RIGHT now. instead of having to wait. my mom is killing me cause everytime we're talking about it with the admission people she makes this LOUD annoucement that i'll be at community college in texas for oh maybe a YEAR

a year you're fuckin' kidding me right
a year
i'll die in this wasteland before then

...but anyway... 


got to see dominic for his graduation from the naval boot camp
:] 
i can not tell yawl how proud i am of him

i've been kinda anxious to get back and hang out with brit
been texting her on and off through the trip talking about all the stuff that i think is uber fantastic then totally crazy lol
i've found that im picking up the really yankee accent really fast. spent alot of time with my cousin and aunt (uncle and other cousin) so i get to hear them talk :] its wonderful
my uncle said when i get back up to chicago (when i move up there) that i totally had a place to stay untill i got the apartment worked out or when i needed a break from the city and stuff they'd be happy to have me and he made that offer like 50 billion times which was so great because i dont ever see them. and i was worried about how we'd all get along and stuff. but i really like my aunt marie. way more then i remember from my childhood with them. i guess i let the way my mother thought about them affect how i thought cause i was so young. i felt like i related fairly well with them and it was great to see nicole open up with me and not be so shy. she's grown alot which its crazy to see her as a junior now lol i sound so old when we talk but i guess that comes with the graduating.

today. i got a message in my inbox.
that made my heart stop.





so much for breathing

Staring at this blank screen feels fairly similar to staring at the white paper I always see before I paint, but this almost seems even more daunting. Even though I could erase this and start over faster on here then there but it doesn't seem to matter. Lately I've been trying to figure out college and where I'm going from here but that seems to be even more stressful then not doing it at all while being worried about it. But I've been looking into Columbia so I'm heading up to Chicago next week to look that over :] I'm really excited about it. I wish I had more wonderful things to say, but soap operas came on and I got uber distracted. Plus I don't have any friends soooooooo

 that was my big break to sit and watch mid-day soap operas. gosh that was awful. TV has never been so bad. I really do wonder what happened to good shows. but the other day mom and I went to Petland and found the most wonderful puppy. She was simply perfect. About 10 weeks old, dappled mini long haired daschund :] 
 
I really wanted her but with the trip to Chicago and stuff there's no way I could afford her we just didn't have the money too. She about 1,200 dollars?!?! isn't that crazy!! I looked it up and pure bred long haired daschunds go for about 430 to 700 and she was a little more then double. so stupid. freakin' petland.
But the better part of my week was getting to hang out with Brit Reed :] love that woman she's such an inspiration. got to take some photos of her around Dallas which came out well. She bought balloons for the photo shoot too. haha

 
they swarmed the back window then always tried to snuggle with Brit while she was driving, it was quite comical. :] actually just watching Brit drive altogether was humorous considering she hasn't had to in what looked like FOREVER so it was a good day. Got to meet her friends Jimmy, Colin, remet Tim?, Blake, and Mark? we went and painted at her house, she made mac and cheese, took it with us up to her church and sat with the guys while they "jammed" only it wasn't really jamming cause Jimmy was uber slow at setting everything up.
anyway, i'll get her pictures up soon.
maybe.

would this same strange ache be activated in my disappearance?
there be tears on my behalf?
and not even disappearing in a permanent manner - because death is always said and the human eye can shed tears for a face its just seen and life it's never known. but to be gone and missed. written to and called on a scheduled manner. people counting down the days till your return. their anxious to see you again. anxious and aching. that kind of absence. i'll never know.

discussing the upcoming age - a new dawning on life and the new advancement in education. picking up forms for gowns and caps, diplomas and invitations. and the ones i've known - almost all of life seem to construe a perplexed expression upon their face when i say i may not stay. i may not even be within the same state boundaries. that my love of art and photography might possibly take me far north or even farther west. but it seems to shock them. this new and astounding fact that i'm not always going to be here. that i will not always follow them in their choice of new "home". and it almost hurts. that i'm expected to remain close in case of emergency on their behalf. have i become static? or is this just the labeling of being loyal